Jarbo 2: The Mutation
by Smenzer
Summary: Gabrielle opens a restaurant but has rodent problems, until Ares finds a unique solution! A bit weird but funny! AG fic JARBO 3 NOW ADDED! UPDATED!
1. Default Chapter

Title: Jarbo 2: The Mutation  
  
Author: Smenzer  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Pairing: Ares/Gabrielle  
  
Archive: Yes, please. Let me know if you take it, OK?  
  
Teaser: The Jarbo are back!  
  
Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. They belong to Studios USA or  
  
Whoever owns the Rights to Xena: Warrior Princess. This is just for fun. No money is being made.  
  
  
  
"Here. Cook these." Xena ordered as she dumped a pile of slimy fish next to Gabrielle.  
  
Gabrielle glanced up from the open scroll on her lap. She had decided to try her hand at being a bard again. Just because she was now a warrior didn't mean she had to stop writing. If only she could find the time! And she certainly couldn't cook with Xena bugging her to fry fish! "Xena, I'm busy! I'm trying to get our latest adventures written down before I forget them. And it seems like ages since I wrote anything."  
  
"Gabrielle."  
  
"What?" Gabrielle turned to look at Ares, who was sitting next to her on the log. The very mortal Ares that had given up his powers to save them from the murderous Athena.  
  
"I'm hungry. Could you please cook the fish?" Ares asked, giving her one of his sad, puppy dog looks. "It's not my fault mortals got to eat."  
  
"That's it!" Gabrielle explained as she threw her feather pen on the ground. "You two want me to cook, fine, I'll cook. But I want to get paid for cooking!"  
  
"How about I pay you with a kiss?" Ares asked as he leaned closer to Gabrielle.  
  
"I never had to pay you before." Xena complained in a gruff voice. "I thought we had a deal. I catch 'em, you cook 'em."  
  
"I'm serious!" Gabrielle continued. "Look at our finances. We don't have any money and winter is coming. Do you want to spend the winter sleeping on frozen ground under a blanket of snow?"  
  
"Me? You got to be kidding." Ares replied. He had to admit Gabrielle had a point. He never had to worry about such things when he was a God, but now as a mortal they obviously played a big part in his life. And he really didn't care for this camping lifestyle anyway. Silk sheets on a real bed was more his style.  
  
"Well, if we don't have any dinars we can't get a room." Gabrielle explained to Ares, although she was sure he already knew that. He just needed someone to point it out to him in a clear way. And she knew if she didn't bring it up, Ares would just keep following Xena around....just like she did all those years ago. Sure, it was fun and educational and it gave her great stuff to write about, but for once she would like to spend a winter indoors. Even if it was for a short time. And hadn't that one person predicted a very bad winter now that the Gods were no longer controlling the weather? And no one knew that better than Ares!  
  
"Fine. You're right. We DO need dinars." Xena admitted as she rubbed her lips, deep in thought. "I know! We can go over to my Mother's place. It's empty now and we can set up shop there. I'll catch the food and you can cook it, sell it. People like your cooking. They'll gobble it up."  
  
So they scooped up the fish and headed over to Xena's mother's place. The house was kind of rundown after being empty all those years but it was nothing a few hours of intensive cleaning couldn't fix. Of course, Gabrielle ended up doing most of the cleaning herself while Xena fixed a few items that needed fixing. Both women had tried to get Ares to help, but physical labor was not his thing so he just pretty much sat around and watched. Finally they were all done and they could open up for business. Gabrielle had even painted a sign advertising their new restaurant and hung it up out in front. She hoped they would get some customers soon.  
  
Gabrielle was busy frying fish in the kitchen when she heard a strange sound. She turned around and saw the kitchen was empty. "Ares," she called. "Is that you?"  
  
The ex-God appeared in the doorway and looked at Gabrielle blankly. "What?"  
  
"I thought I heard something, like a popping sound." Gabrielle explained as she peered around the kitchen. She opened a cabinet door and looked inside. Nothing that would explain what she had heard. Gabrielle shook her head and laughed. "I must be hearing things. Anyway, why don't you help me in the kitchen? You could chop these vegetables."  
  
"Me?" Ares asked, shocked. "The God of War does not chop vegetables!"  
  
"Yes, but you're not a God anymore. The mortal Ares can chop vegetables." Gabrielle told him as she pointed to the carrots sitting on the counter.  
  
"You're just spooked and don't want to be by yourself." Ares told her as he reluctantly picked up a knife and glumly stared at the orange veggies.  
  
"I am NOT spooked!" Gabrielle shouted.  
  
POP!  
  
This time they both had heard it and glanced up at the ceiling. A mysterious black circular opening had appeared on their ceiling. It wasn't a normal hole, as they could not see the second floor or anything above them. It was completely black and gave no clues as to what it's nature was. It seemed to watch them like a giant, unblinking eye that was all pupil.  
  
"What...?" Gabrielle mumbled as she took a step closer to it. The thing, whatever it was, was positioned in the middle of the ceiling.  
  
Without warning, a large creature tumbled out of the hole and landed with a squeal on the floor. It shook itself and climbed to its feet. The thing was obviously a large rodent but a kind of rodent Gabrielle had never seen before. For one, it's bare skin was a sickly green and it only had one giant bloodshot eye that followed her every move. It's face was like a rabbit, except it had short ears and giant gnawing teeth. The disgusting thing twitched its black nose and stood up on its back feet. When it did this, Gabrielle gasped and threw her hand over her mouth. The freakish thing had six legs! A long bare tail with a thick clump of black hair on the tip sliced the air behind it.  
  
"It's a giant, two feet tall mutated jarbo!" Gabrielle exclaimed.  
  
Just then they heard the front door open and bang shut. A man's voice rang out loud and clear. "Hello? Anyone here? I'm the Health Inspector to inspect your premises!"  
  
"Ares! Do something! Quick!" Gabrielle hissed at him. She was scared to move. The thing was staring at her with its beady eyes. Evil beady eyes. She knew it sounded stupid. She was a warrior now, she had survived many battles. And yet now she found herself unable to move. Perhaps she was in shock.  
  
The ex-God leaped forward and gripped the fat jarbo around its middle. The irony of it all did not miss him. He had been ruling Olympus and now he was reduced to a rat catcher. It did not amuse him at all. The Fates could be very cruel. Ares dashed forward, the squirming jarbo in his outstretched arms. Gabrielle ducked out of his path and she yanked open the back door so he could toss it outside. But Ares ran right past her.  
  
Her mouth dropped open in shock as she watched him throw it into the deep fryer she had sitting on the stove. She had the fryer ready for this potato recipe she was going to try. She had ate them once at this restaurant and had asked the chef for the recipe. Traveling around with Xena she never had the opportunity to try it until now. The mutant jarbo squealed once and then was silent. Soon the room filled with the smell of cooking rat.  
  
"Ares! What did you do that for?" Gabrielle hissed at him quietly. "You should have threw it outside!"  
  
"The inspector would see it out there!" Ares told her.  
  
Before they could say anything more, the Health Inspector came into the room. He was a fat man with white hair. His face was plump with triple chins and a thick neck. He wore a long white Toga with a square badge pinned on the front. Brown leather sandals were on his feet. He carried a scroll in one hand. "Hmmmm.....that smells really good! What are you cooking?"  
  
"Umm....." Gabrielle looked at Ares for help.  
  
"Emu. We import it. It's very tasty." Ares replied smoothly, once again taking on the air of the confident God he once was. "It's an exotic bird from a far away land. We thought we'd add it to the menu, see how it does around these parts. Isn't that right, Dear? It was our dream to open up a restaurant."  
  
Gabrielle felt Ares' arms slip around her waist from behind as he held her. He rested his chin on her shoulder and smiled at her. Suddenly with him so close and the jarbo cooking in the pot she couldn't think straight. And if she didn't do something soon, they might both end up in prison for poisoning a Health Inspector with a mutant rat! And the way the man was salivating it looked like he would want to eat it. Gabrielle moaned quietly.  
  
"Shhh. It'll be all right." Ares told her. Then he glanced up at the Health Inspector. "My wife is a bit nervous. Opening a restaurant is a big step, you know."  
  
The Health Inspector was staring at Gabrielle in an odd way.  
  
Something in Gabrielle's mind stirred. The more she looked at him the more she thought she had seen him somewhere before....  
  
"Gabrielle?" the Health Inspector asked, a big goofy smile on his face. "It's me, your old buddy Salmoneous!"  
  
"Salmoneous?" Gabrielle asked, a sinking feeling in her stomach.  
  
"Yes, it's me! Boy, what an incredible chance of luck to run into you! I had heard that you and Xena were alive again, but I couldn't believe it! And now look at you, all married and settled down. Before you know it, you'll have a family!"  
  
"What?" Gabrielle blushed red.  
  
"You know, kids. I'll be Uncle Sal! I like the sound of that." Sal grinned at her. His large stomach rumbled loudly. "Is that emu almost done? I'm starving! Bring me a big plate of it. I'll pay you whatever you want! I made a ton of dinars on writing Hercules' biography. I'm still getting royalties from that."  
  
Gabrielle watched Sal disappear into the other room, no doubt to go sit at a table and wait for his food. Her fingers curled into fists and she turned to tell Ares what was on her mind. But he was gone. Which only made her even more angry at him. The nerve of him to tell Sal that they were married!  
  
"Ares! You get back here right now!" Gabrielle hissed. She hurried to the still open back door and peered outside. She didn't see him anywhere. "The coward ran off!"  
  
"Hey, I didn't run off. And I'm not a coward." Ares' voice came from behind her. "I just went into the pantry to get a platter."  
  
Gabrielle turned and saw Ares with a huge plate in his hand. Confusion flickered across her face. "What are you going to do with that?"  
  
"Feed our customer." Ares picked up a fork and stuck it into the kettle of deep fried mutant rat. Flexing his big arm muscles, he lifted out a golden brown piece of jarbo. He carefully placed it on the plate and reached in for another. In a few short minutes, the plate was filled with steaming meat.  
  
"You can't feed that to Sal!" Gabrielle protested as she moved to block his path to the other room.  
  
"Why not? He wants it." Ares reminded Gabrielle. "Besides, we need the dinars and he said he'd pay us whatever we want."  
  
"But it's a jarbo!" Gabrielle crossed her arms over her chest. "You can't go around feeding jarbo to people! And especially not to people I know! They could die from it! And what was the big idea of telling him we were married? Did you hear what he said? He thinks we're going to have kids!"  
  
"How the heck was I supposed to know you knew him? Seems like you and Xena know everyone! I was trying to distract him from what was cooking in the kettle!" Ares explained to Gabrielle. Then he grew quite as he looked at her. A smile appeared on his face. "You know, that wouldn't be such a bad idea."  
  
"Why you!" Gabrielle swung her fist at him but he easily ducked underneath it.  
  
"You know, you can't hit anything when you're mad!" Ares laughed as he walked past her towards the doorway to the dining room, the plate of hot jarbo still in his hands. He turned to look at Gabrielle. "Besides, what are you so worked up about? He'll eat and then he'll leave. End of story. No one won't ever hear that story but him. He doesn't know who I am anyway."  
  
"That's true." Gabrielle admitted.  
  
Ares was about to push open the swinging door to the dining room when he heard the outer door open and more people enter. He paused in mid step, listening. That voice. He knew that voice. Then he heard a second familiar voice. He knew both of them. In fact he knew exactly who had just entered to eat in Gabrielle's new restaurant. Before he could say anything to Gabrielle, Sal's voice rung out loud and clear.  
  
"Hercules! Iolaus! Guess who got married?!"  
  
"Who?" Hercules asked as he moved to sit at Sal's table. The Demigod hero had not aged a day. He had found out he was immortal, apparently some weird side-affect from killing Zeus. Or maybe it was just bound to happen sooner or later anyway and he just didn't realize it. Hercules really didn't mind being immortal as long as he was not a full God with powers - and that he had Iolaus for company.  
  
"Yeah, who got married?" Iolaus asked as he plopped into the chair next to his best friend. He stretched his legs out under the table and leaned back in the chair, running a hand through his thick blonde curls. Thanks to Hercules, he was immortal, too. "And what is that mouthwatering smell? I'm starving!"  
  
"Remember that story about Xena and Gabrielle being alive? Well, it's true!" Sal leaned forward, his dark eyes glowing with excitement. "I just met Gabrielle in the kitchen with her new husband! Isn't it exciting? And that delicious smell is emu! Oh, I can't wait to eat!"  
  
"Gabrielle?" Hercules asked, surprised. "Me and Iolaus had heard that story but we didn't know if it was true or not. Who did she marry?"  
  
"Handsome guy. Tall, dark hair, great voice. Nice clothes." Sal replied as he opened his scroll and jotted a few things down on it. "Might as well fill out this health report while I wait for my emu! Time is dinars, you know!"  
  
"That could describe almost anyone." Hercules rose from his chair and headed towards the kitchen. "I'm going to go see how Gabrielle is doing and order us some food."  
  
"I'll go with you!" Iolaus jumped up and hurried after his friend.  
  
Hercules pushed open the swinging doors to the kitchen and passed through. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw his half-brother, Ares. Even more shocking was the fact that Ares was holding a steaming plate of meat! The Demigod's jaw dropped open and he just stared at his half-brother, his brain for the moment unable to believe what he was seeing! It was just too strange!  
  
"Hercules, would you please move out of the way so I can go serve this emu?" Ares asked with a grin. Perhaps it was worth being mortal for a short time just to see that shocked look on Hercules' face!  
  
"What?" Hercules muttered. He felt Iolaus push into the kitchen behind him.  
  
"Ares! What are you doing here?" Iolaus asked, just as shocked as Hercules. The delicious scent wafted up from the hot plate of meat, making the Golden Hunter's stomach growl loudly in hunger.  
  
"What does it look like I'm doing?" Ares replied as he pushed past Hercules and Iolaus, escaping from the kitchen to go serve Sal his lunch. He placed the cooked mutant jarbo before Sal.  
  
Hercules watched Ares for a moment, then turned to see Gabrielle. "Wait a minute....tall, dark hair....you're married to ARES? Of all people, how in the world did you end up married to him?"  
  
"Yeah!" Iolaus agreed. "And can we get two big plates of that meat?"  
  
"Hercules, you don't understand...." Gabrielle began to say. Before she could finish the back door swung open and Xena entered the kitchen.  
  
  
  
Hercules spotted Xena immediately and hurried over to her. "Xena, did you know Gabrielle was married to Ares? How could you let her marry someone like that? I thought you cared about her!"  
  
"What?" Xena cried, dropping the big basket of fish onto the floor. The basket toppled over and silvery fish scattered over the floor. "What are you talking about?"  
  
"We met Sal here. You know, Salmoneous?" Hercules explained as he pointed towards the dining area of the new restaurant. "Our meeting was by accident. He told us that Gabrielle was married to a tall, dark haired man. I came into the kitchen to see who it was and found Ares!"  
  
The kitchen door opened and Ares entered. He leaned against the wooden door jamb, his arms crossed over his chest. "If anyone is interested, the place is filling up with hungry customers who want emu. How about you vacating the kitchen?"  
  
"Why you!" Xena snarled, crossing the short distance to the now mortal ex God of War. She gripped his black leather vest with her fist. "When did you marry Gabrielle?"  
  
"Xena! I'm not married to Ares!" Gabrielle insisted as she looked from Xena to Ares to Hercules and Iolaus. "I'm not married to anyone!"  
  
"That's why you saved her, isn't it?" Xena stated as her shrewd mind clicked away. "Why you gave up your Godhood. I refused to give you a child and accept your deal so you somehow tricked Gabrielle into marrying you! That's what happened, isn't it? And you two were planning on keeping it a secret."  
  
"Xena!" Gabrielle cried. How in the world this she get into this huge mess? "I'm telling you we're not married! He made that up!"  
  
"Why would he make up a story like that?" Hercules asked, confused. He wondered over to the pot of fried mutant rat and peered in. Picking up a fork lying on the counter, he stabbed a big piece and pulled it out. Handing it to Iolaus, he speared a second, even larger piece for himself. "I know Ares lies, but why lie about something like that? I mean, what would he gain from it?"  
  
"Hmmm...this is really good!" Iolaus tore off another hunk of the cooked rat, juice dripping down his chin. "Its crunchy on the outside but soft and tender inside! Its even better than rabbit!"  
  
Gabrielle gulped as she watched Hercules and Iolaus eating the fried mutant rat. She felt her stomach twist and she clutched at her throat. Watching them was making her sick!  
  
"Gabrielle, are you all right?" Xena let go of Ares and rushed over to her friend. "You look a bit green. Are you pregnant?"  
  
"Xena!" she hissed as her face turned a bright red.  
  
Ares grinned.  
  
Hercules found a plate and piled the remaining meat from the deep fryer on it. "I think I'm going to go eat in the other room and let you discuss this. Come on, Iolaus."  
  
Iolaus followed Hercules out of the room, his fork clutched in one hand.  
  
"Look, there's nothing to be embarrassed about." Xena told Gabrielle as she led her friend over to a chair and sat her down. Xena rubbed her chin for a moment, deep in thought. Then her eyes cleared as she realized something. "I'm the reason you kept it a secret. You didn't know how to tell me so you just didn't. You knew I'd go ballistic on him, like I just did. But I see that you changed him just like you changed me, so that's a good thing. You do that to people, Gabrielle. I don't know how but you do and it even works on Gods!"  
  
Xena peered into the empty deep fryer and frowned. "Those hogs ate it all! How about you cooking up another batch of whatever that was? Smells great!"  
  
"But..." Gabrielle said.  
  
Xena patted her on the shoulder. "Don't worry, Gabrielle. You'll be a great mother!"  
  
Ares watched Xena leave the kitchen. He made sure the door was closed, then strolled over to Gabrielle. "Well, I think that worked out quite well, don't you think? I mean, none of them know that they're eating.... you know."  
  
"Ares! They think we're married!" Gabrielle said as she jumped up from the chair. "And Xena thinks I'm pregnant!"  
  
"Is that a problem? Because if it is, I could always fix that." Ares grinned. He ducked as Gabrielle swung her fist at him, hopping out of the way. Laughing, he ran around the table as Gabrielle chased him. "You know, if this is what married life is like, I like it!"  
  
"Oohhhh, wait until I catch you!" Gabrielle threatened as she ran after him.  
  
POP!  
  
Ares skidded to a halt and Gabrielle crashed into him from behind. Another mutant jarbo had popped out of the mysterious black hole on the ceiling. It was lying on the floor, still dazed. The large rodent shook its head and stared at them with its single red eye.  
  
"Sorry, my Dear. We'll have to play later. It's time for us to go to work." Ares turned quickly and kissed Gabrielle on her lips. Turning back to the rat, Ares drew his sword from its scabbard and attacked the jarbo. A moment later it was dead. He carried it to the deep fryer and tossed it in.  
  
"Ares, if they ever find out...." Gabrielle stared at the boiling pot that contained the rat.  
  
"But they won't. We'll just have to keep them out of the kitchen now, won't we?" Ares glanced down at the fish lying on the floor. "How about you cooking these for us?"  
  
Gabrielle picked up the fish and started to prepare them for lunch. As she worked, three more jarbos appeared and Ares dispatched them with ease.  
  
That evening Ares was leaning against the counter in the kitchen, his sword out and ready for more jarbo. They had served more jarbo and made more dinars in a single day then they could imagine. Customers kept piling in and ordering the "emu". Gabrielle ended up cooking nonstop all day just to meet the demand. Luckily, they hadn't run out...yet. "You know, this idea of mine worked out better than I thought it would. Not only did I get a wife and a house but lots of money, too! What more could a man want?" 


	2. Jarbo 3

Title: Jarbo 3  
  
Author: Smenzer  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Pairing: Ares/Gabrielle  
  
Archive: Yes, please. Let me know if you take it, OK?  
  
Teaser: The Jarbo are back!  
  
Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. They belong to Studios USA or  
  
Whoever owns the Rights to Xena: Warrior Princess. This is just for fun. No money is being made.  
  
** This story picks up where Jarbo 2 left off. **  
  
Gabrielle was exhausted. She wiped her hands on a towel and turned to look around the kitchen. The pots were cleaned and put away, the jarbo blood was off the floor, Ares had just gone outside with a huge bag of bones, in other words the kitchen was clean for tomorrow.  
  
"What a totally crazy day!" she said to herself. She wasn't sure how to straighten out the mess that Ares had helped her create. For one, they had been feeding mutated rodents to her best friends! Second, those same friends were persuaded she was married to Ares, with Xena thinking she was pregnant. Gabrielle tossed the towel onto the counter and headed out of the kitchen. She was totally exhausted. Her feet ached from standing all day in front of the boiling, hissing pot and she couldn't wait to fall into bed. She climbed the steps and threw open the door to the bedroom she was sharing with Xena.  
  
The Warrior Princess was already in bed, a large platter of cooked jarbo on her lap. Xena picked up a big hunk with her greasy hand and started to gnaw on it. Her blue eyes spotted Gabrielle standing in the doorway. "What you doing here?"  
  
"Xena, since when do you eat in bed? And shouldn't you be filled by now? You've been eating that all day it seems!" Gabrielle took a few steps into the room and stopped, one hand on her stomach. Watching Xena eat was twisting her stomach! As she watched, Xena licked the greasy juice off her hand, then pulled a few thin strips of meat out from between her teeth, gobbling them down. Finishing the piece, Xena tossed the bone onto the floor where it slid under a dresser and clanked against the far wall. "You're making a mess! You can't be throwing bones on the floor!"  
  
"And shouldn't you be with your husband?" Xena asked, picking up another piece of cooked meat. "Especially in your condition?"  
  
Gabrielle sighed. She wasn't going to get anywhere arguing with Xena. One she made up her mind on something, it was almost impossible to change it. Plus she didn't think she would be able to sleep while listening to Xena chewing on cooked rodent! It was just too disgusting. Turning around, Gabrielle left the room. "I'll see you tomorrow, Xena."  
  
"Goodnight." Xena said from around a mouthful of jarbo. "Hmm....I love this emu!"  
  
"I guess I'll have to sleep somewhere else tonight." Shaking her head, Gabrielle walked down the hallway. She stopped to lean against the wall, taking deep breaths to calm her upset stomach. How could Xena eat those things? "Because she doesn't know what they are!"  
  
"You talking to yourself now?" Ares asked as he appeared in the hallway. "I thought you'd be in bed by now, sleeping."  
  
"Xena kicked me out. For some reason she seems to think I'm married!" Gabrielle wanted to give Ares a sharp look for starting this mess, but she was too sleepy. "Besides, she's in there feasting on the you-know-what still. I swear, I never saw her eating in bed like that. It's so unlike her."  
  
"Well, you can share my room!" Ares said as he suddenly gripped Gabrielle around her wrist and hauled her into his room. Once inside, Ares closed the door and leaned against it, arms crossed over his chest. He knew any minute the warrior bard would start protesting. He counted silently in his head: three, two, one, now.  
  
"Ares, I can't share your room! It's not proper." Gabrielle pointed out.  
  
"So, you'd rather sleep out in the hallway?" Ares asked. "Because dear brother with his blonde friend has moved in and that fat guy took the last room. So its either this or the hallway. Now since they think we're married, it'll give me a bad reputation to have you sleeping out there. And you know how Hercules likes to solve problems with his fists."  
  
Gabrielle moaned and collapsed on the bed. She could easily imagine how Hercules would get the wrong idea and would start pounding on Ares, possibly injuring him now that he wasn't a God. Or worse, have Sal trip over her sleeping in the hall, crushing her with his 300 pound body! And with all the food they were stuffing into themselves all day, the bathroom would be very popular tonight. All the guys would be running up and back, stepping on her fingers and tripping over her legs. A door could fly open and hit her one.  
  
Why did she have all these problems?  
  
"All right. I'll stay. But you better behave!" Gabrielle removed the sais from her boots, waving one at him before putting them within easy reach. "So don't get any ideas!"  
  
"Hey, I don't bite." Ares protested as he moved away from the door and started to remove his leather vest. Truth is, Gabrielle had agreed a lot quicker than he thought she would. Which was fine with him! The marriage idea had been spur-of-the-moment, but the more he thought about it, the more he liked it. None of his other ideas had ever really worked, the ones he had used years and years ago on Xena. But perhaps, if he was patient and took it easy, he just mind end up with Gabrielle for real! Of course, she didn't have the slightest idea of what he was up to. But if he wasn't careful, he knew he could goof it up. What to do next?  
  
He moved over to the bed, expecting that Gabrielle might be asleep already. She had looked very tired from cooking rodents all day. But she was awake, one arm resting across her forehead.  
  
"Oh, I feel terrible!" Gabrielle moaned.  
  
Ares blinked. He had been mortal for only a short time so far and had no real experience with sickness. In his opinion, Gabrielle really didn't look sick, but then what did he know? "Do you want me to get Xena?"  
  
"How could I feed rats to my best friends?" Gabrielle asked. "Who knows what awful disease those mutated jarbo were carrying? And where are they coming from? We don't know anything about them and here the entire town was eating them all day!"  
  
Ahh.... so it was guilt that was making her feel terrible.  
  
"Well, in case you didn't notice, no one is sick." Ares pointed out as he sat down on the edge of the bed to remove his boots. Would Gabrielle really marry him? Would she forgive him for the awful things he had done in the past? Things like killing Eli, sleeping with Hope and sometimes just being nasty, like letting the Titans loose? And was she mad about this rat business? She seemed to be annoyed at him earlier, but not truly angry. He hadn't done it on purpose, he had just been hiding that jarbo!  
  
"Well, I hope no one gets sick!" Gabrielle said as she rolled over on her side to watch Ares. She really didn't believe all those bad things Xena said about the ex War God anyway. She knew that she could trust him but yet she felt confused. Why did all her friends believe Ares story about them being married? It made no sense, especially since Ares had always chased after Xena in the past. Oh well, it didn't really matter. She would clear it up with Xena tomorrow. Somehow.  
  
Before Ares could settle down, Gabrielle was fast asleep.  
  
*** ***  
  
Ares turned over for what seemed like the thousandth time, putting the pillow over his head. But it didn't do any good. He threw the pillow onto his legs and rolled over on his side, looking at Gabrielle. He propped himself up on one elbow, watching her sleep.  
  
Next to him, Gabrielle snored loudly, her mouth open wide. The moonlight from the window fell on her, so he could see her quite well. She mumbled something in her sleep, rolling over closer to him. Her arm flung out and hit him one on his hairy chest. Her fingers clutched at the hair and he squeaked in pain.  
  
"Great. That's just great." He muttered to himself. Now he knew the real reason Xena sleeps most of the time wearing that metal breast plate! The innocent bard was a real hazard while she was sleeping!  
  
*** ***  
  
BANG! BANG! BANG!  
  
"What?" Gabrielle sat straight up in bed, glancing towards the bedroom door. Who could be pounding on the door like that? Geez, it sounded like someone was using their fists on it!  
  
"Gabrielle! Get up!" Xena cried from the other side of the door.  
  
"Xena?" Gabrielle asked, slightly confused. Why was Xena on the other side of the door? She turned her head to see who was sleeping next to her and was shocked to see Ares! The now mortal War God was fast asleep. Staring at him, she noticed something odd. There seemed to be a patch of hair missing from his chest.... Slowly she opened her hand that was clutched in a fist and saw the missing black hairs.  
  
Oops!  
  
"Gabrielle! Hurry up!" Xena cried even louder. "If you don't get up, I'm coming in!"  
  
"I'm coming!" Gabrielle called. She tossed the handful of black hair onto Ares chest, then wiped her hand on her leg. The warrior bard hopped out of bed and rushed to the door. Flinging the door open, she stared at Xena. "What's wrong? Is there a problem?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm hungry and want more of that emu!" Xena told her. "That stuff tasted really good, better than that fish we always eat."  
  
"OK, I'll be down in a minute." Gabrielle hurried back to the bed and poked Ares on his shoulder. "Wake up, Ares!"  
  
Ares opened one eye, peering up at Gabrielle. "What?"  
  
Gabrielle glanced towards the open door, then leaned down close to Ares ear. "Xena wants to eat more jarbos!"  
  
"Well, we better go cook her some then." Ares sat up and swung his feet onto the floor. Picking his vest up from where he had tossed it last night, he pulled it on and secured it with his belt. Then he pulled his boots on. "Looks like Xena isn't going to even give us time to wash. I guess we have to start getting up earlier."  
  
Ares followed Gabrielle out the room and down the hall. Hurrying down the stairs, they soon saw their friends sitting around one of the tables in the dining part of the restaurant. Xena, Hercules, Iolaus and Sal waved to them but kept right on talking to each other.  
  
"We all want more of that yummy emu!" Sal called to them loudly. "I'll be sure to eat here every day as long as you serve it. I never tasted anything so delicious in my entire life and I've tried almost everything!"  
  
"Fine. We have to go cook it first." Ares reminded the four as they headed towards the kitchen door.  
  
Gabrielle reached the door first and pushed on it. It didn't open. She turn to Ares. "It seems to be stuck."  
  
"I'll get it." Ares put his shoulder against the door and shoved. It opened partway and the two slipped inside. Gabrielle gasped when she saw the kitchen was packed with mutated jarbos! The large one-eyed rodents were everywhere! They ran on the counters, danced on the table top, climbed over the stove, a few swung on the curtains and dozens scurried on the floor. As she watched, two more plump rats dropped from the mysterious hole in the ceiling and landed on their brethren with a loud thud. Gabrielle quickly closed the door and pulled out her sais as several rushed towards them.  
  
"Looks like we're going to be real busy!" Ares pulled his sword from its scabbard and swung at the closest jarbo, cleaning killing it with the first blow. He quickly moved to another and another, his long blade always moving as it sliced the air. Ares grew excited and moved faster through the kitchen. "Come on, that's it, come to papa."  
  
Pots rattled and dead jarbo thumped to the floor. Gabrielle cornered an especially large jarbo and killed it with the long blade of her sai. By now most of the jarbo were dead and Gabrielle moved towards the stove. A jarbo leaped out from behind a potted plant and jumped on her, knocking her backward onto the table. The stubborn rodent clung to her chest, its large claws tearing the fabric of her dark red top. It's jaws went for her throat and she gripped it around its neck, pushing its pointed snout away from her. She struggled with it for a few moments until Ares raced over and tore it off her. He flung it onto the floor where he finished it off with his bloody sword.  
  
"Gabrielle? Are you OK in there?" Xena's voice asked through the closed kitchen door. "I thought I heard some loud thumps..."  
  
"I'm fine! Don't come in." Gabrielle jumped off the table where the jarbo had knocked her. She frantically stared around the bloody kitchen. She couldn't let Xena see this! There were dead jarbo everywhere! "You collect all the jarbo and I'll go out to talk with Xena."  
  
"OK." Ares replied. The ex War God opened the pantry door and started to toss dead rodents in. With any luck, they'd all be eaten today and none would go to waste.  
  
Taking a deep breath, Gabrielle opened the kitchen door and stepped out. Just as she stepped out, she realized one of the straps holding her top up was completely torn. Stupid jarbo!  
  
The room was packed with people. Every table was filled and several groups stood along the walls or waited on the stairs. When they saw her, they all started shouting the same word: emu.  
  
Gabrielle sighed. Looks like she was going to spend another endless day cooking jarbo! She just hoped the ones Ares had just killed would be enough to feed this huge crowd. Why, everyone from town must be squeezed in here! Why in the world was the jarbo so popular? It didn't make any sense!  
  
Moving through the crowd, she reached Xena's table. Her friends' took in her torn top, her messed up hair and the sheen of sweat that covered her skin. Fighting with jarbo made you sweat, you know.  
  
"Is that emu done yet?" Xena asked her.  
  
"I didn't even start cooking it yet!" Gabrielle told her.  
  
"Well, if you wouldn't be fooling around with Ares in the kitchen, it would be." Xena replied.  
  
Gabrielle blushed, her face turning bright red. "Xena! I wasn't fooling around with Ares in the kitchen!"  
  
"Sure you were." Xena stated as the warrior's blue eyes raked over Gabrielle's torn clothes and mussed hair. "Look how you look. You didn't look that way when you and Ares went into the kitchen. And we heard the two of you in there, all the loud thumping and stuff."  
  
"And we heard Ares." Iolaus added. "He said 'come to papa' and a few other things."  
  
"And we ALL know how Ares is." Xena added. "Besides, you don't end up looking like that from cooking. Ares was chasing after me for years to have kids. I kept telling him NO because I knew once he got started he wouldn't want to stop."  
  
"Xena!" Gabrielle's face turned even brighter red from embarrassment. Her hands curled into fists and her blue eyes flashed with anger. "Ares is NOT a pig and we were NOT fooling around! We weren't doing anything like that!"  
  
"Then what were you doing?" Hercules asked.  
  
"We were killing giant mutated jarbos!" Gabrielle blurted out. "That's what we were doing! We're going to cook them and serve them to you! The emu you're all eating is really mutated jarbo's that fall from a hole in the ceiling! OK? Are you happy now?"  
  
The four friends at the table stared at Gabrielle in shock. They exchanged glances with each other. Hercules and Iolaus started to laugh, the Demigod pounding the table with a fist until the entire table shook.  
  
"Oh, that's a good one, Gabrielle!" Hercules laughed. "No wonder you're such a popular bard! You have such a big imagination."  
  
Sal started laughing, too, his triple chins quivering and he gasped for breath.  
  
"Look, Gabrielle, you don't have to make up wild stories." Xena explained gently. "There's nothing to be embarrassed about. You and Ares are married, you're both adults. I know you kept your marriage a secret from me for a long time, but that's past. I'm not going to say bad stuff about Ares any more. I'm just glad he's not going to bother me any more for kids because he's got you now. But you don't have to be embarrassed or make up crazy stories. I've been with lots of Warlords in the past, so I know how guys are. Especially guys like Ares. They like to do that sort of thing. That's why he married you. So you should just admit the truth, like you always did before."  
  
"But that WAS the truth!" Gabrielle insisted.  
  
"Umm...yeah. OK." Hercules said, staring at the table top, blushing. "What ever you say, Gabrielle."  
  
Xena rolled her eyes. "Don't tell me you get embarrassed, too! What's the matter with you people?"  
  
Iolaus grinned at Gabrielle. "Just bring us four big plates of the emu!"  
  
"Ahhhhggggg!" Gabrielle spun around on her heel and marched back into the kitchen. This mess was getting worst and worst! How would she ever straighten it out? It looked hopeless! She shoved the kitchen door open and hurried inside. "Do you know what that Xena accused us of?"  
  
"No...." Ares said, surprised. Gabrielle looked angry and whatever Xena said had apparently upset her something awful. "I suppose it was something about me?"  
  
"She tried to say you were a pig and that we were fooling around in the kitchen!" Gabrielle shouted. "How could Xena accuse me of such a thing?"  
  
"Well, Xena lived a very wild life while she was a Warlord. I'm sure you know that." Ares replied, unsure of what to say. He did know that Gabrielle didn't do that sort of thing. She wasn't like Xena at all really. Yes, she had turned out to be a highly skilled warrior and perhaps in some ways better than Xena, but the bard didn't sleep around. Nothing at all had happened last night between them, except for her snoring keeping him awake. "I'm sure she was just thinking of what SHE would do."  
  
"You're probably right." Gabrielle said. She glanced around the kitchen and was pleasantly surprised to see Ares had the floor and counters clean. Not a spot of jarbo blood remained on any surface. And all the jarbo had been put away, hidden from prying eyes. The pot was bubbling happily as a plump jarbo cooked, the kitchen filling with the delicious aroma. No doubt the smell would attract even more people. She headed towards the back door. "I'm going to step outside for a bit of fresh air."  
  
"Fine with me." Ares said as he watched her go out the back door. He frowned. Sometimes Xena was just too rough on Gabrielle.  
  
*** ***  
  
Hercules glanced at Iolaus. "You don't think she was serious, do you?"  
  
"Nah." Iolaus replied, but his eyes shifted towards the kitchen door. "At least, I don't think she was. Was she?"  
  
"I better go check." Hercules told his friend as he rose from his chair and headed towards the kitchen.  
  
"Yeah, maybe you better." Iolaus agreed. The little hunter thought of actually eating a jarbo and shivered. The idea was disgusting! Ick! But he knew Gabrielle and she would never do that to him. But Ares......  
  
*** ***  
  
Hercules entered the kitchen and instantly spotted his half-brother. Ares was leaning against a counter as the pot of emu cooked. The demigod's pale blue eyes shifted around but nothing looked suspicious. Except for the fact that Ares was actually IN a kitchen! Hercules stopped in front of Ares. "Do you know what Gabrielle told us?"  
  
"No, what did she say?" Ares asked. "I do know that what Xena said upsetted her."  
  
"She said that the emu was really mutated jarbo." Hercules watched Ares carefully, especially his dark eyes.  
  
Ares laughed. "That's the most crazy thing I ever heard! Where would we get all these mutated jarbo, little brother? In case you don't know, I'm mortal now. I gave up my Godhood to save my wife from dying. Xena had almost killed her, hitting her in the head with her chakrom. Or didn't Xena tell you that part?"  
  
Hercules' face paled and his eyes widened in shock. "No, she didn't."  
  
"Well, she did. It took all my powers, every last drop to save her and Eve." Ares explained as he looked everywhere in the kitchen EXCEPT up at the hole on the ceiling. His stupid goody-goody brother was standing almost underneath it. "But I was glad to give up my powers if I could save her. I changed, Hercules. I'm not the evil God I used to be. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I'm a lot better than what I used to be."  
  
For once, Hercules didn't know what to say. He didn't know this Ares, who was a stranger to him. "And you really love Gabrielle?"  
  
"I gave up my Godhood, didn't I? What more proof do you need?" Ares asked.  
  
Hercules knew Ares must have changed a lot in order to give up his powers and immortality freely to save someone, anyone. And Xena had verified that Ares was mortal now, totally without powers.  
  
"I'm not saying that I like being mortal, you know." Ares continued. He knew he had to throw his nosy half-brother off the trail and this was the perfect diversion. "In fact, I hate it. You actually have to walk every where, you get dirty and have to wash, eating and well, I won't even mention the other thing. It's all very disgusting, takes up lots of time and darn right annoying. Then there's pain, of course. I'm sure I'll hate that even more. Nor do I care for the idea of growing old and loosing my great looks. But it'll be worthwhile if I can spend those days with Gabrielle, you know?"  
  
"And the jarbo thing is just a story?" Hercules asked, feeling foolish already.  
  
"Well, Xena did embarrass her, did she not?" Ares replied.  
  
"Umm, yeah, she did." Hercules blushed again, thinking what Xena had implied. It had been very embarrassing!  
  
"Well, I do like to play, Little Brother." Ares grinned. He watched Hercules fidget nervously as the demigod became redder. Soon he'd be running out of the kitchen and forget all about his snooping. "And my wife does, too. She's just not ready to admit it to Xena."  
  
"Umm.... I should be going." Hercules stuttered as he turned to leave. Just then a mutated jarbo dropped from the mysterious ceiling hole right on top of Hercules! 


End file.
